Feature
An Engaging Proposal
Lessons on Courtship & Covenantal Marriage from Ancient Israel
by Ryan Messmore
Is there anything in life more worth preparing for than marriage? Marriage has profound implications for individuals, churches, and communities alike. It has the power to make people happier or more miserable than almost anything else in the world. Research shows that healthy marriages correlate with numerous positive outcomes, from higher educational achievement to better physical health to increased levels of prosperity and happiness. Moreover, marriage has deep theological significance: the Apostle Paul points to it as the relationship most reflective of God's relationship with his Church.
In light of this, it would seem that there are few decisions in life more momentous than proposing marriage (aka "popping the question"). Surely engagement deserves to be approached with great intentionality and planning.
Sadly, when it comes to getting engaged, our culture provides dating couples no normative process of deliberate preparation. Many churches offer aid in preparing for marriage, but they lack liturgies or catechetical processes for training and evaluating couples moving toward engagement. In the modern West, we view getting engaged as the start—rather than the end result—of a process of intentional, church-guided examination and discernment. Part of the reason for this likely has to do with the dominant story in modern Western culture about marriage and romance.
Two Centers of Gravity
Manhattan Institute senior fellow Kay Hymowitz summarizes today's common attitude toward romance and love: "The good life is about being cool, looking hot, and seeking pleasure however you want it. Marriage is great when it's the culmination of a romantic love story, but if the going gets tough, it's on to the next pleasure." The center of gravity in this story is romantic feeling; it's a vision of love that maximizes individual choice and sexual freedom. Such a story places the focus of marriage on the perceived well-being of the individuals involved. It puts forward no larger purpose, common task, or public office that might call for preparation or training.
Furthermore, this story invites fiancés to approach the meaning of marriage as something they get to determine willy-nilly. They decide what kind of obligations marriage entails and how binding those obligations will be. This approach is sometimes reflected in a couple's desire to write their own wedding vows.
Such a mentality can lead to a "me-centered" approach to marriage preparation: "I'll do it if I think it will make me happier—perhaps by giving my fiancé and me some techniques for avoiding conflict." What's missing is a sense that marriage is an ancient institution ordained for purposes beyond the spouses' own happiness, and that couples desiring marriage may first have to learn what those purposes are and how to fulfill them.
In short, the modern story fails to portray marriage as a public vocation that requires a prior period of training and transformation—mental, spiritual, relational, and moral.
What people are saying about Touchstone:
The Christian faith offers a different story of marital love. Its center of gravity is the notion of covenant: a lifelong relationship, grounded in faithfulness, that launches members on a joint adventure with public responsibilities and obligations.
Ryan Messmore is president of Campion College, a Catholic liberal arts college located in Sydney, Australia. He and his wife have three children.
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