The Flimflam Apostles

A long time ago there was a man named Jesus. He was a Jewish cynic and teacher of wisdom who fought against the domination system of his day. He proclaimed a reign of God based on liberty, equality, and fraternity. To protect their political and economic power, the Roman and Jewish leaders crucified him. After his death, his teachings were so vivid to his followers that they spoke of him as if he were still alive, although they never intended to be taken literally.

Unfortunately, some new converts to his cause, who never actually knew him, took this talk seriously and began to expect that he would actually return to establish his kingdom. When he didn’t, they were disappointed. So they developed new ideas, actually pagan in origin, about a life after death in which they would finally meet him. Meanwhile, the domination system of that day, growing fearful of this growing movement devoted to the dead man Jesus, decided that it must co-opt that movement.

The manipulated followers of Jesus became “the church” and began establishing rigid dogmas that had little to do with the real Jesus. They compiled “scripture,” written long after Jesus’ death by people who claimed to know Jesus but who really did not. Some of this scripture was based on fragments of fact, but most of it was made up.

Forgetting who Jesus really was, the church set about to use these scriptures to oppress people who disagreed with it, and also to oppress women, racial minorities, and homosexuals. Jesus became just a pretext for a new domination system. But a few courageous intellects stood up against this church. Confronted by science and reason, the church finally lost its monopoly on power, and eventually all truly educated people ceased to take this church and its teachings very seriously.

But the myths spun by the church continued to captivate a lot of people, who, although lacking intellect, nonetheless still wielded political influence. They still wanted to oppress women, racial minorities, and homosexuals, and prevent the true reign of God about which the real Jesus spoke.

So an adventurous band of brilliant scholars gathered together under the name of the Jesus Seminar. With breathtaking consensus and mental acuity, they disproved and vanquished the church’s remaining myths. The true reign of God, based not upon a supernatural deity, but a Promethean humanity devoted to equality and justice, is now within sight. We have the Jesus Seminar to thank.