Losing Winsome
on Spurning the Idol of Niceness
Contemporary Christians have an idol, and like all idols, it’s sneaky. It masquerades as virtue, leading well-intentioned Christians to forsake their God-given duty. It goes by many names, but I call it the idol of niceness. You may also call it agreeableness, winsomeness, or something similar. Whatever you call it, niceness is not the same as kindness.
Kindness is a biblically mandated fruit of the Spirit. Kindness is vital to the Christian walk and should be pursued wholeheartedly by all believers. The Greek word used by the Apostle Paul in Galatians for “kindness” is chréstotés. It doesn’t have a perfect English translation. It doesn’t simply refer to benevolence but includes moral uprightness, righteous acts toward others, and excellence in character. Chréstotés meets the needs—the true needs, not the perceived needs—of others in a God-honoring way and does so while avoiding harshness. It’s a richer concept than simply “being nice.”
Niceness, on the other hand, carries with it for most English-speaking people connotations regarding avoiding conflict, being friendly in conversation and action, and staying out of someone else’s way. Essentially, niceness is nothing more than being polite or having manners.
Dangerous Confusion
Though it is understandable to get the two confused (especially if your conception of “niceness” is a mixture of kindness, gentleness, and humility—all Christian virtues), it is also extremely dangerous. And while it may be tempting to place the success of this idol at the feet of the evangelical “winsome” movement in America, it’s not that simple. Christians in the West—evangelical, Catholic, and Orthodox—all fall into this trap. To be “winsome” is not always to be God-honoring.
Christians in the West, and especially in America, have the benefit of being born into a culture saturated with Christianity inherited from ages past. Adult Christians today are living in societies that are running on the fumes of Christendom, and they have a sense that the “Christian establishment” has been running the show since long before they arrived. Many Christians feel some level of guilt about being a member of the perceived majority group, and so seek to be as meek and unimposing as possible toward the growing secular establishment—seeing themselves as simply accommodating an unfortunate minority.
To borrow Aaron Renn’s helpful framework as outlined in an article in the February 2022 First Things, perhaps they’re acting as if we are still in the pre-1994 “Positive World”—where Christianity was generally viewed as compatible with good citizenship—or, more likely, they may feel guilty that the Positive World existed for so long.
This guilt has infected so much of contemporary Christianity that professing Christians are tempted to embrace secular critical theory in one form or another and to believe the lie that they must atone for their ancestors’ wrongs—whether racial or religious. They believe that the majority is always the aggressor and that Christianity is responsible for a great number of historical injustices.
Christians who believe this narrative would do well to expand their vision, both globally and temporally, and consider the intense persecution that the Christian faith has faced since its inception. They would also do well to remember that a Christian majority is a good thing. A Christian moral foundation for a society should not be a fount of guilt but of gratitude. Christian societies are the only ones that can possibly operate on true kindness, compassion, and charity. This is impossible in Renn’s “Negative World,” where “Christian morality is expressly repudiated and seen as a threat to the public good.”
Christian Kindness
Many Christians look at the early Church and see, correctly, the Christians of that time as a persecuted minority, but they mistakenly take those circumstances as prescriptive for all Christians in all places. They overlook that those persecuted Christians also desired deeply for the whole Roman Empire to become Christian. They rejoiced at the conversion of Constantine and the establishment of the Holy Roman Empire. In the fourth century, there seemed to be little worry that this might establish “Christian nationalism.” The guilt many Christians have today at living in a world built by Christianity is a thoroughly modern phenomenon.
In reaction to the perceived sins of their majority, Christians in the West today have largely begun to focus on being liked and accepted by the secular establishment, on being seen as tolerant, even cool. They’ve replaced true, biblical “kindness” (which includes speaking prophetically to powers, preaching the gospel to neighbors, and not tolerating evils such as abortion in our land) with a sentimental “niceness.”
If you are not convinced that kindness and niceness are two entirely separate things, ask yourself: Was Jesus always kind? The answer must be “yes,” because Christ was morally perfect. He exemplified the fruits of the Spirit perfectly, or he was not God in the flesh. But now ask, “Was Jesus always nice?” Are castigations like “brood of vipers” nice? Flipping tables, chasing people with a whip? The “kind” thing for Christ to do in these situations was not “nice.” Being kind—upholding moral uprightness and seeking the true good of others—meant being “mean” and impolite. It necessitated avoiding watery “winsomeness” and pursuing a true, robust “winsomeness” that wins by displaying truth, power, and righteousness rather than by simply avoiding conflict and keeping one’s elbows off the cultural table.
The Virtue of Niceness
Niceness, in general, can be a desirable trait. It should be pursued whenever possible, with both the unbelieving neighbor and the fellow Christian. We are not called to be quarrelsome, but rather to be kind, gentle, meek, and compassionate, while examining our own eyes for logs. We are to judge rightly, knowing that we will be judged in the same manner. We are to pursue unity, and we are to avoid unnecessary harshness. But the difference lies in the fact that niceness should be pursued when appropriate, whereas kindness is to be pursued at all times.
Sometimes the kind thing to do is not nice. Being “nice” generally precludes violence and harsh words, but often the kindest thing a parent can do for his children is to discipline them (which often involves both). Sometimes it is necessary, when a fight occurs between two parties, to exercise “meanness” against one in defense of the other.
Some Christians recognize the idol of niceness in the contemporary Church and overcorrect. They become harsh, critical, and volatile. Recognizing that too many prioritize love over truth, they prioritize truth over love. Both groups forget that Christ is the Truth and God is Love—and unless you’re willing to entertain Trinitarian heresy, these are inseparable.
Don’t Be Fooled
We should be kind always, and nice when appropriate. We must orient ourselves appropriately toward the Negative World, not weakly caving in on central issues for the sake of being “winsome.” Let us turn the other cheek as Christ commands, seek not to live by the sword, and try to live peaceably with all men. At the same time, let us defend those being led away to slaughter, fight for our families and homes (Neh. 4:14), and use biblical language to describe the horror of sin, calling abominations what they are and refusing to bow to idols of sexual perversion, “acceptance,” or the state.
Let us be kind to our unbelieving neighbors by being honest about sin, by fighting against the secular establishment in the political realm, and by seeking to establish true Christian morality in our culture—all the while being nice to our neighbors as often as we can, helping them and being generous.
But it is vital that we know exactly when not to be nice. If those same neighbors want to teach your children a twisted sexual ethic, be kind and mean by denying them at every turn. If your neighbors erect a statue to Baal, if they seek an abortion, if they threaten the wellbeing of others, be kind and mean by doing everything in your power to stop them. If your neighbors are two men who want to adopt a child, be kind and mean by seeking to deny them the legal opportunity, and endeavor to adopt children yourself or to find a traditional home for the children in need in your area.
The cultural context is changing, and the status quo is increasingly anti-Christian. Don’t be fooled into thinking you’re part of an oppressive majority, and certainly don’t give any ground to those who would say that you are. Don’t be fooled into doing the “nice” thing rather than the “kind” one. Don’t be tricked into feeding the lion your arm, foolishly thinking that that will appease him and that he may let you live. Remember that the lion is starving, and the spectators in the Coliseum are watching with bated breath.
Zephram Foster is a writer and musician from Tahlequah, Oklahoma. He works in higher education and in youth ministry in a Reformed Baptist Church. He writes songs, blogs, and hosts a film podcast called Not Qualified. He has been published in American Reformer, the Theopolis Institute, and elsewhere. His various outlets can be found at www.zeffoster.com.
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